Eric’s Cancer Journey

Eric // 30 Stories Campaign™ // Oral Cancer Awareness

I met with an ENT who noticed the tumor had grown, so he scheduled me for surgery. During the procedure, the surgeon removed lymph nodes, part of my tongue, part of my palate, my right tonsil, and tissue from near my throat where the cancer had spread. 

After surgery, I developed a cervical spine infection and was rehospitalized for two weeks. This infection was certainly more difficult to deal with than the cancer—it was horrible. I had severe nerve and muscle damage, and my whole right side became atrophied—it was as if I were PeeWee Herman on one side of my body and Arnold Schwarzenegger on the other. I was on IV antibiotics for eight weeks, and I had to give myself these injections three times a week, which was challenging.

I was in a lot of pain, and I now take oxycodone throughout the day. Initially, I felt a little uncomfortable starting this medication because of the stigma surrounding opioids these days—and for very good reason. But ultimately, oxycodone was made for the kind of pain felt by cancer patients, and I was in a lot of pain. I suffered a lot. I use the medication for its intended purpose, and it helps me tremendously. 

I underwent radiation therapy, and while I didn’t lose my sense of taste, I experienced and still experience a significant amount of dry mouth. I’ve found the product “Xylimelts slightly sweet” has worked wonders, and highly recommend it to anyone struggling with this.

It might feel strange to hear me say this, but I feel like the luckiest guy alive. Throughout those most vulnerable moments, I felt so blessed to have such an amazing care team by my side.

Since undergoing radiation therapy, I have been dealing with the profound changes cancer has brought into my life. I’ve been taking most of my meals through a feeding tube, and until the past two months, I was drinking only tea and water by mouth. To maintain a healthy diet, we would make a puree of meats, vegetables, and leafy greens to put into the feeding tube. My wife took time off work to help take care of me, and when she had to go back to work, my sister-in-law came up from Brazil to take over. 

With these healthy and hearty purees, I gained weight under her watch. I certainly felt intense cravings, and I would always watch the Food Network as if to tempt myself more. My newest feeding tube is thinner, so the “baby food” puree, as we call it, no longer fits through the tube. But now I’m starting to eat more solid foods, which has been exciting. Just a few days ago, I ate my first steak, which was absolutely delicious! Even though I’m only eating small quantities, I make sure that the things I’m eating are healthy and give me good nutrition. I love beer, but haven’t had one in almost a year.

It might feel strange to hear me say this, but I feel like the luckiest guy alive. Throughout those most vulnerable moments, I felt so blessed to have such an amazing care team by my side—my wife, family, friends, nurses, doctors, and more. Some nurses in the hospital were so wonderful that they made me cry. My four best friends would reach out to me every day, as well as my dad and aunt, which made all the difference in the world. I saw people going home from the hospital in an Uber, without family or friends to pick them up from surgery, and I feel incredibly lucky to have such great support. 

Ever since my surgery and infection, I’ve been following up with my doctors every few months. Unfortunately, what I thought would be a quick recovery and return to work turned into a more serious and entirely different road ahead. 

A few months ago, I had a follow-up PET, which revealed the cancer had spread to my lungs, and I was diagnosed with stage IVc metastatic cancer. I was told that I have “innumerable nodules” in my lungs, meaning over 10, and the doctors gave me about a 6% chance of survival and 16 months to live. 

So now I have my clarity, and I’m ready to dig deep—and I know how to do that. […] If my body’s tired and I feel like I want to give up, I know how to bypass that feeling and keep going.

When I was told I have cancer in my lungs, I was paralyzed by fear. I was so afraid that I could barely get off the couch. I thought I had known fear before, but until that day, I now know I hadn’t. My hands were shaking for several days straight, and my anxiety was overwhelming. I cried, I got nauseous. I threw myself a little pity party and asked “why does this have to happen to me?” I’m not religious, but at this lowest, most vulnerable point, I said a prayer. I prayed, “I need a little bit of help, I need you to take some of this anxiety away from me.” Early the next morning, I woke up, and I felt different—like I am today. That is the absolute truth. I woke up with all that anxiety off of me. That was only four or five days ago.

I realize that letting myself feel that kind of fear is just not sustainable. I couldn’t fight when I was weighed down with all that anxiety. I had to go through it, but once I got to the other side, I found the clarity I needed. Like a prizefighter, I need to feel some butterflies going in, but too much isn’t good either. Not to say I’ll never feel scared anymore, but nothing will ever feel as scary as getting the news that at age 57, I only have 16 months to live. 

So now I have my clarity, and I’m ready to dig deep—and I know how to do that. I’ve always told people that when you think you’re at the end, you can always give about 40% (maybe even 60%) more than you think. In the military, they call it the 40%. If my body’s tired and I feel like I want to give up, I know how to bypass that feeling and keep going. 

The spirituality of nature has been my church throughout this journey. […] Hiking has saved my life already, and I try to do yoga for 30 minutes per day.

This upcoming week, I will begin chemotherapy and immunotherapy. I have a 21 year old son who still needs me. I don’t know what the outcome is gonna be, but I’m gonna do everything in my power to fight, share my story, and get advice from others. I’m going into this with an open mind, and wherever I can find help, I’m going to take it. I’m sure I will meet many people in the chemotherapy rooms, and no matter how old or young, I’m ready to learn from anyone I can. 

The spirituality of nature has been my church throughout this journey. When I was at my lowest point, I watched nature videos on Youtube. They have these 8-hour long videos of, say, a campfire in the mountains, or a rainstorm, or the ocean. I would watch those and meditate, and I bought new lighting for myself, which made the atmosphere nice. I knew I’d spend a lot of time at home, so I’m glad to have made a nice space here. Then there’s meditation videos that you can put on, which helped me sleep. Hiking has saved my life already, and I try to do yoga for 30 minutes per day. Another thing I’ve done that has helped is playing guitar. Sometimes when I’m playing, I completely forget my reality and what’s happening. 

Ultimately, my love of life and nature has gotten me to where I am now. I think it’s amazing to be here on this earth. How lucky we are to be on this little green bouncing planet in the solar system. Not too far from the sun. Not too close to the sun. It’s perfect, and it’s always been enough for me to be here and experience it. It also helps that my whole life I’ve always been able to live in the moment. I’m not always looking for something to be a better day. 

Asking other people about themselves takes you out […] of the vicious cycle of thinking ‘oh poor me.’

I always found happiness, sadness, whatever it was, in the moment. I never cared too much about money, though of course you have to care about it a little bit. Those things all helped me. I love walking in the park, I love comedy, I love music, I love to make people smile, I love to joke. All of these things helped me get past that paralyzing fear. 

I found that asking other people about themselves takes you out of your misery and out of the vicious cycle of thinking “oh poor me.” When you inquire about other people’s problems and help people, your problems seem to go away. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true. When you’re doing something for somebody else and smiling about it, it’s hard to feel bad about your hardships. 

Try smiling sometime, and try to have negative thoughts. Even if you try, it’s hard! Almost impossible. Luckily for me, I think I was sort of born with a happy disposition, so I didn’t have to work too hard at this. But not thinking about myself as the only person who’s going through this has helped. We’re all on this planet, and as human beings we either have gone through something horrible, or eventually will. None of us get out of life unscathed. Sickness and death inevitably happen to us all, and I’m no longer afraid to die. 

I don’t want to die, but it’s not a tragedy. […] I’ve lived a full life and have no regrets.

I don’t want to die. The saddest part is having to leave my son and wife behind. But I’ve lived to 57, and even had the chance for my beard to get white, so I’ve been here for a while. I don’t necessarily need to live to be 90. My wife and I were flight attendants, so I’ve been to a lot of places and done a lot of great things. I think I did a pretty good job raising my son too. I don’t want to die, but it’s not a tragedy. When a little kid dies, that is a tragedy because they never had a chance to live. But I’ve lived a full life and have no regrets. 

As I said, I haven’t always been in this place of peace, and I only got to this point a few days ago. But I needed to go through that, and I’m in a much better place now. I’ve been eating healthy, exercising, and laughing a lot.

You have to shine a light on the scary stuff […] bring it out into the open and make fun of it…

My advice to anyone facing a similar journey as myself:

Have a sense of humor—a self deprecating sense of humor. You have to shine a light on the scary stuff, because when you shine a light on it, bring it out into the open, and make fun of it, it becomes less scary. Of course you have to know your audience too. I can’t make the same jokes to my dad or wife as I can to my friends. But in whatever way you can, having a sense of humor can help lessen the fear. 

Don’t give up your curiosity. Find something you look forward to doing every day, something that gives you a pep in your step. Think of it now! What is that thing for you? Find a little something that makes you feel giddy and remember to do it in the tough times. For me it’s a walk, a drive upstate, having a nice meal (which I can now eat), a Netflix show…Podcasts have also been amazing. I love learning about new things in any field and listening to comedy.

If I can recommend a few books: Tuesdays with Morrie is one of my all time favorites. Death Be Not Proud was another one that I read about 35 years ago. It is about a young man who had a brain tumor in the 1950s who taught everybody around him how to live. Now that I think about it, I took more inspiration from those books than I ever knew. I realize it now as I find myself trying to be like those characters in the book. 

Do small acts of kindness, and compliment others. Find something that you like about someone, even if you just met them. You don’t have to lie, but just find something that’s sincere because people can tell if you’re being ingenuine. I find that it really helps to compliment others because it breaks the ice, makes people smile, and it opens up an opportunity for a good conversation or interaction. 

When you feel like you want to isolate yourself, be kind to others. Make sure you call people who care about you, and acknowledge the people who are helping you. I know I’ll inevitably snap at my wife—I’m only human. It’ll probably happen, and I’ll feel horrible about it. You’ll have your good days and your bad days. It’s a mixed bag of emotions. But just try to be kind to others in any way you can. 

Here’s another great one that I like to do once or twice a month—I’ll be in a Starbucks or 711, and if I’m buying something and the person behind me in line has something small, I’ll tell them that I’ll cover their soda or whatever they’re buying. I’ll buy mine and theirs. I won’t do it if they have a huge cart of groceries or something big but a small thing or two, I’ll do it. They say “no really you don’t have to,” and oftentimes they don’t know what to do. But I don’t do it for them, I do it for me because I love watching their reaction. Their whole demeanor changes. And when you do that, that person will either go on to do something nice for someone else, or maybe if that person was having a really bad day, it changes their whole trajectory. 

Lastly, let go of any grudges you might be holding on to. If you have any friends or family that you’ve had issues with in the past, give them a text or call. So many of us hold grudges over petty things. Maybe you haven’t talked to someone for 10 years because they didn’t return your alarm clock or something silly. Get rid of those grudges from your life.